The friend asks, “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
inflation, and both of these together are putting me into
a deep depression!”
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flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say,
“Jesus is watching you.”
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept
looking for valuables.
He heard again,
“Jesus is watching you.”
This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on
a parrot.
He asked, “Did you say that?”
The parrot admitted that he had. “I’m just trying to warn
you, is all.”
The burglar sad, “Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you?
What’s your name?”
“Moses.”
“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot
Moses?”
The bird answered,
“I don’t know; I guess the same folks who would name a
Rottweiler Jesus …”
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Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room
while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching
sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began
to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he
could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the
floor and yelled above the noise,
“For pity’s sake, can’t you play something the dog
doesn’t know?”
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The visiting Bible school supervisor asks Little Johnny during
Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible
knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole
incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his
whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny
said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that
it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional
Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies:
“I can’t see why you are making such a big issue
out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!”
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One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor
about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois.
“Our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from
him we have to go to the dictionary.”
“You’re lucky,” the neighbor said. “Every time we get a
letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!”
http://bit.ly/a8uKzb
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence
did not extend to God’s kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and
Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam asked.
“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit,” God replied.
“Forbidden Fruit? We got a Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve…
we got a Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way! Where?”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Creator and I said so!” said God,
wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break
and was angry.
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the ‘First Parent’ asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own…
thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
“Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you
know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow shouted,
“Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
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Potatoes …
“Now, then, Christine,” said the math teacher, “I want to give
you a little problem. Suppose there were five children and
their mother had only four potatoes to share among them.
She wanted to give each child an equal share. How would
she do it?”
“Mash the potatoes,” the girl replied.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for
the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes
wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘”Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
‘”I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
‘”And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
‘”Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that
the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part
of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment…
“Watson, you fool!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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The telephone rang in the fire station office.
The duty fireman picked up the receiver.
“Is this the fire station?” asked a timid voice.
“Yes, that’s right,” replied the fireman eagerly.
“Well,” continued the voice, “I’ve just had a new rock
garden built, and I’ve put in some new plants.”
“WHERE’S THE FIRE?” yelled the fireman.
“Some of these new plants are very expensive, you know,
and …”
“Look here,” said the fireman, “you want the flower shop.”
“No, I don’t,” said the voice, “you see, my neighbour’s
house is on fire and I don’t want your firemen to trample
all over my rock garden when you come here.”