Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
“Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked.
“He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a
new kind of car,” his co-worker replied.
“How was he going to do it?”
“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy,
seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well,
you get the idea.”
“So what did he end up with?”
“Ten years to life.”
Before getting a haircut a politician asked his stylist,
“How long will this take, how much will it cost, and
how good will this look?”
The stylist replied, “Just ten minutes, cost $20, and
look marvelous.”
An hour and fifteen minutes later, the politician looked
into the mirror in horror and the stylist handed him a
bill for $200.
The politician gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t
look that great, and it’s costing me ten times more
than you said!”
The stylist replied, “That makes us even.”
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own.
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in,
and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house
counsel. The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one
of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “I’m so honest that
my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the
investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted,
“He sued me for the money.”
An artist, a lawyer, and a blogger are discussing
the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with
the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt,
divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The blogger says “It’s the best thing that’s ever
happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can
spend all night on the computer!”
Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up.
“Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”
Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to
school!”
Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”
Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make
fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me!
I don’t want to go!”
Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to
go to school.”
“Why do I have to go to school?”
Mother replies, “Because you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said.
“I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place
is only closed three days a year… and you want to know how
I made $80,000?”
“It’s not the income that bothers us,” the agent said,
“but these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda
for you and your wife.”
“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention?
We deliver anywhere…”
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.
Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because,
while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him to Catholicism.
Finally, after many threats and much pleading,
the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest
who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says,
“Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but
maddening smells every Friday evening.
But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue
wafts through the neighborhood.
The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind
him of his new diet. They see him standing over the
cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying,
“Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish.”
http://bit.ly/a8uKzb
Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk.
After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy
looks at the second guy and says, “Hey, you want to
go up for a ride in my airplane?”
The second guy says, “Wow, you have an airplane?
Let’s go!”
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around
the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this
too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land, and he sees an
airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the
ride, “Let’s land here. It looks like it’s as good a place
as any.”
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at
the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. “Damn!”
he says, “That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever
seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?”
But since it’s the only runway nearby, he decides to
try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend,
“All right, I’m going to try ONE more time, and if
I can’t land it we’re just going to crash and hope
we don’t die.”
So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither
is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy
is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway.
“I’m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway
and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!”
The second guy looks around and says,
“Yeah, but look how wide it is!”
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when
the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these
huge three toed feet?”
The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across
the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of
the soft sand”.
“OK,” said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have
I got these great long eyelashes?”
“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes
on the trips through the desert”.
“Thanks, Mom,” replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks,
“Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back?”
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy,
replies “They are there to help us store water for
our long treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods.”
“That’s great, mom, so we have huge feet to stop
us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand
from our eyes and these humps to store water.
But Mom …”
“Yes, son?”
“Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?”
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball
in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother
the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes
returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?”
the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,”
she replied.
“What do you mean?”
“You were looking for a small piece of plastic…
I was looking for $150.”